One of those 'Random Confessions'

A little less dramatic, but close enough..

For someone who enjoyed writing, I haven't written anything in over a year. A long dead and neglected blog is a testimony to that.

It's not because of some writer's block that stretched well over a year. It's not because I lack the will. ‘I’ve been busy and occupied’ is the excuse I give but everybody knows it’s just that, an excuse. Yes, I am lazy, but that's not 'the' reason. I haven’t been emotionally dead for so long either. I had plethora of emotions pulling me in every direction.

I have been livid with anger on numerous occasions, so livid that I cried violently every time I tried writing about it and I have been happy too, so happy that if a genie materialised in front of me right then I won't have known what more to ask for.

I did feel loved, so loved that I couldn't think of a more lucky person.

I felt humiliated, depressed, trampled, crushed and hopeless for days at a time. On the other hand there were days I felt happy, elated, ecstatic, obsessive and passionate.

There were days when I loved every living being on the planet and then there were days when I despised mankind altogether.

There were days when I believed with every grain of my being that the world loves me and on other occasions I believed that I make no difference to this world what so ever with the same passion.

There were days when I went out and made friends of strangers and then there were other when I severed all ties with the world.

Evidently there wasn't a dearth of things to write about. Every emotion that I felt had one common thread, one thing, the only thing that could ever make me write- Passion.

I had abundant opportunities to tell a story that instead of sharing I chose to strangle and push under the carpet.

Why ?

Well, because as I have been told multiple times I am an IDIOT. 

This blog was more than just a blog. It was a promise I made, goals I set, expectations I had from myself. Although I have come a long way since this blog was started, yet, every time I failed to keep those promises, fell short of reaching those goals and meet those obscenely high level of expectations I felt unworthy.

I wanted to write. I wanted it, very badly and so I tried. I tried over and over again and I gave up over and over again. Every time I failed and felt unworthy I marked the occasion by killing a story I could have told.

Now as 2011 inches closer I find myself sitting on a pile of skeletons of stories I killed with what seems like a wasted year, a neglected blog, a confounded mind, two roads diverging in the woods and a scared heart.

P.S: Note to self

Dear scared heart, Please believe. JUST BELIEVE.

Dear Confounded mind, Try harder. You are capable of much more. 'Scared Heart' has a lot of faith in you.

"18 till I die !!"

Immortal words by a mortal star, ‘18 till I die'. Personally I have my own views about immortality. For instance, I would rather achieve immortality by simply not dying than through my work but then that’s besides the point here. So I’ll try to stay put and not go off tangent!I had for long been laboring under the illusion that my life would take a dramatic turn once I turn 18 and now precisely five days after attaining that coveted 2 digit figure, the state of affairs remain a paradoxical abyss.

The Indian law considers people above 18 years of age as ‘adults’ and thus one is conferred with several rights at that age. But come to think of it the very foundations of Indian laws are contradicting. The ambiguity starts from the very word ‘adult’. When does a person cease to be a child? At 18, when a girl can marry; 16, when she can give consent for sex; or 14, when a person can work in hazardous jobs?But then I don’t intend to analyze the contradicting laws or their implementation or rather the lack of it!
Coming back to my newly acquired legal rights;

1. A person is legally allowed to drive at 18.
Yes, our law makers feel that a person is capable enough to handle a car at that age.(I read somewhere that sex is like driving, so in case you can’t wait to drive till you are 18 you can still legally experiment with some sex after 16 to get a fair idea)Well my even though my parents second the law makers' point of view and feel that 18 is the right age to get a Driver’s license, the appropriate age when their daughter should get the car remains debatable.

2. It’s illegal to sell tobacco products to people under 18.
So now that I am 18 I can walk up to any paan waala and demand for my pack of cigarettes with a new instilled confidence.That I consider smoking obnoxious, inconsiderate and plain yucky is a different matter altogether.The fact that now I can lawfully buy tobacco is enough to make me feel empowered, indeed!

3. 18 is the minimum age for a girl to get married.
It's true! I can get married to any gentleman I please, who is of course above 21years (That's the age the not-so-fairer sex is expected to grow up). So the policy makers think at 18 a person is old enough to get married, start a family and have babies ... though they also feel that the person needs a lot more growing up before s/he can handle his/her drinks (Legal drinking age being 25).Therefore, even though I can get married at 18, I can't celebrate my marriage with a drink!

4. 18 is the minimum age for voting.
Yippee! I will from now onwards have a say in the governance of the country. So what if my 'one' vote is simply a drop in the ocean? The voting rights give me the mental satisfaction and the much needed reassurance that I am finally and legally an adult.

Though by the standards of the Indian government I am an adult, my parents bluntly refuse to even acknowledge the fact! So, even after turning 18...
* I continue to travel by blue lines and autos (on more fateful days).
* I continue to drink milk with two tbs BOURNVITA!! (It’s tasty and healthy)
* I continue to struggle to get back home before sunset.
* I continue to eat out of my mummy's hands! (The experience is almost heavenly)
Would I still Love to be '18 till I die’? Umm.. I would have said yes without a thought had it not been for the "LEGAL DRINKING AGE"