Epiphany (I)

Often, friends and family have told me how they are almost certain of seeing me in some news paper someday. Flattering as it might seem, their remark more often than not leaves me perturbed and secretly praying that it's not on the third page of some news paper under the obituary column.

I'm not sure if it's the youthful idealism, arrogance or my ego but I do desperately want my life to mean something.

D
...........................................................................
Additional NOTE:
Dear D,
Even though Paulo Cohelo told you otherwise, you can't just want something badly enough and then leave it up to the conspiring universe to do the needful. Believing that this or any other parallel universe will conspire in your favour just by virtue of wanting something isn't just stupid, it's beyond stupid.

It's about time you stop being stupid, got off your lazy ass and started doing things. Also, start USING ME for a change, I'm one of those wonderful things that the more you use, the more I grow.

With Love,
D's Brain

You know you're with the right guy when..

..even after being with you for 4 years

• the thought of being with you for another forty still fills him with a sense of wonder
• he remembers the stuffed white tiger you liked in the mall and surprises you with it and a little tiger cub at your work.
• he drives through traffic to your work just because you have a sudden whim to have lunch with him
• he wrote a special song, just to put you to sleep
• he holds you by the waist and sings softy in your ear till you completely forget what was bothering you
• he drives around entire city to find you momos exactly like the ones you loved in back home
• he tells a store manager to keep an eye out for a particular blue dress you had been obsessing over and randomly picks you from work to get you the dress as soon as it arrives
• he celebrates your ‘Birthday Eve’, ‘Birthday’ and throws in another ‘Birthday++’ because you don’t want the celebration to end yet. 3 days of birthday celebration because he knows how much you love your birthdays
• he gets you lunch because you are too lazy, too hungry or too caught up to get some yourself
• he knows that you’re sharing your last piece of chocolate cake with him only and only because you’re full and still loves you
• he sings you to sleep
• he tells you dragon stories(if you still love dragons that is) to keep your mind off the pain during your periods
• he quits smoking because the smoke makes you nauseous
• he flies down from another city over the weekend because you really miss him
• he randomly gets you roses
• he sees the world as - things you love or would love and things you dislike and hate
• he is willing to let you drive his car even though the last time was a disaster
• instead of ignoring you or waiting for you to tell him, he still gets bothered if you are even slightly angry, upset or even irritated
• he stops the car and runs across the highway to get you some wild dried plant that you thought looked fascinating
• he takes out time every once in a while to tell you that you are the best thing that happened to him

P.S: Still confused? Well let's just say if you're with the right guy, you'll already have a list of your own. ;)

The Right Guy? 

Sheila Ki Jawani..

You're about to become a part of an experiment. Be ware.

1. Were you named after anyone?

No. My parents like to be different. In fact I dare you to find another person with same name as mine.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I was livid and was almost reduced to tears when someone told me how amazing I am and promised me he meant it.

I think my reaction messed up his 'understanding' of women .

3. Do you like your handwriting?

Yes. I was forced to make all soft-boards and charts in school.

4. What is your favourite lunch meal?

Momos, creamy mushroom pasta, chicken (roasted, tandoori, tikka, kabab, butter, curry, grilled.. you name it)

5. Do you have kids?

I have a wife, a would be husband, many would be wives and a tiny brother who looks up to me and that I bully around. But no real kids.

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?

There are exactly two possibilities: 
a) I would be best-friends with myself   
b) I would kill myself and be proud that I did mankind a favour.

7. Do you use sarcasm?

Would you leave me alone if I did?

8. Do you still have your tonsils?

Yes, I still have my tonsils, and my appendix and all the other useless organs in my body just like I still have all my small clothes, books and toys. I find it hard to junk stuff no matter how useless they are. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

9. Would you bungee jump?

What is there to not like about the idea of hanging upside down and looking at the world with a whole new perspective?
Literally.

10. What is your favourite cereal?

I am required to have a 'favourite' cereal? What are you- my mom?

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

If I could convert all the time I saved by NOT untying my shoes into money I would be a millionaire by now.

13. What is your favourite ice cream?

Butter scotch, Chocolate, vanilla

14. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Whether or not they possess the art of conversation.

15. Red or Pink?

It has to be the colour of Passion, anger and DANGER. RED.

16. What is your least favourite thing about yourself?

My volatile moods

17. Whom do you miss the most?

RKC. I don't think I would have been familiar with the concept of 'missing someone' had it not been for him.

18. Do you want everyone to complete this list?

Because completing this list is such an enriching experience that if they didn't their life would be incomplete?

19. What colour pants and shoes are you wearing right now?

At home I am only found in boxers or skirts. Yes, even in winters. 
Pants are just too restricting, don't you think? 

21. What are you listening to right now?

My grumbling stomach.

22. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?

WHITE. 

- I'll be good as new, always

- kids wont be peeling my cover and rubbing my face on  paper trying to fill colour in some old man's payjamas

- I would have to do no dirty work, yet no crayon set would be complete without me. ;-)

23. Favourite smells?

Wet mud, pertol, vicks, camphor, nail polish remover, chicken being cooked. 

24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

My grandfather.

25. Do you like the person who sent this to you?

It wasn't sent to me. I just picked it from Anta . Yes, without even asking her. Is that rude?

26. Favourite sports to watch?

Lion/tiger/crocodile/Snake hunting their prey.

27. Hair colour?

Black. And just so you know, my heart is black too.

28. Eye colour?

How bored are you?

29. Do you wear contacts?

No, seriously?

30. Favourite food?

Can I write a 5000 word essay here?

31. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

Scary movies with happy endings.

.

32. Last movie you watched?

American Beauty

33. What colour shirt are you wearing?

How on mother earth knowing the colour of my shirt will add value to your life in any way?
Or are you going to judge me on the Shirt colours I pick?

34. Summer or Winter?

Winter. I alway pray for its long life and good health. :)

35. Hugs or kisses?

Mostly its just handshakes. But then there are people that I hug and kiss all the time :)

37. Most likely to respond?

To invitations for: parties with free food and drinks, gate-crashing weddings, goa trip, dog's birthday and climate change conference (again for free food.), suicide plans, paint-ball war, war, sword fight,etc

38. Least likely to respond?

To mundane things.

39. What are you reading right now?

Nothing. Sad but true.

40. What is on your mouse pad?

My mouse. Duh! 

41. What did you last see on TV?

I don't even remember the last time I watched TV.

42. Favourite sounds?

Papa's car lock sound when he comes back home. I miss it.

43. Rolling Stones or Beatles?

Both.

44. What is the farthest you have been from home?

Kanyakumari. Thats where we welcomed 2010.

45. Do you have a special talent?

No.

Shoot me.

oh wait I can make people cry.

46. Where were you born?

Pataliputra.

47. Whose answers are you looking forward to getting back?

Well, if you Do it, you must let me know :)

48. How did you meet your spouse/significant other?

Blogging!


P.S: In case you are still wondering, the title of the blog post has got nothing to do with the post. 
I am just bored and am experimenting.

One of those 'Random Confessions'

A little less dramatic, but close enough..

For someone who enjoyed writing, I haven't written anything in over a year. A long dead and neglected blog is a testimony to that.

It's not because of some writer's block that stretched well over a year. It's not because I lack the will. ‘I’ve been busy and occupied’ is the excuse I give but everybody knows it’s just that, an excuse. Yes, I am lazy, but that's not 'the' reason. I haven’t been emotionally dead for so long either. I had plethora of emotions pulling me in every direction.

I have been livid with anger on numerous occasions, so livid that I cried violently every time I tried writing about it and I have been happy too, so happy that if a genie materialised in front of me right then I won't have known what more to ask for.

I did feel loved, so loved that I couldn't think of a more lucky person.

I felt humiliated, depressed, trampled, crushed and hopeless for days at a time. On the other hand there were days I felt happy, elated, ecstatic, obsessive and passionate.

There were days when I loved every living being on the planet and then there were days when I despised mankind altogether.

There were days when I believed with every grain of my being that the world loves me and on other occasions I believed that I make no difference to this world what so ever with the same passion.

There were days when I went out and made friends of strangers and then there were other when I severed all ties with the world.

Evidently there wasn't a dearth of things to write about. Every emotion that I felt had one common thread, one thing, the only thing that could ever make me write- Passion.

I had abundant opportunities to tell a story that instead of sharing I chose to strangle and push under the carpet.

Why ?

Well, because as I have been told multiple times I am an IDIOT. 

This blog was more than just a blog. It was a promise I made, goals I set, expectations I had from myself. Although I have come a long way since this blog was started, yet, every time I failed to keep those promises, fell short of reaching those goals and meet those obscenely high level of expectations I felt unworthy.

I wanted to write. I wanted it, very badly and so I tried. I tried over and over again and I gave up over and over again. Every time I failed and felt unworthy I marked the occasion by killing a story I could have told.

Now as 2011 inches closer I find myself sitting on a pile of skeletons of stories I killed with what seems like a wasted year, a neglected blog, a confounded mind, two roads diverging in the woods and a scared heart.

P.S: Note to self

Dear scared heart, Please believe. JUST BELIEVE.

Dear Confounded mind, Try harder. You are capable of much more. 'Scared Heart' has a lot of faith in you.

Drugged

Mr. Heart is struggling to break out of the rib-cage. He wants to hip-hop on Delhi streets. Mr. Right Foot and Mr. Left Foot are having a hard time staying in one place. All they want is to hop, jump and run simultaneously on the road.

The Lip sisters have been apart for a long time now revealing the tooth family. Ms. Right Eye and Ms. Left eye don’t feel like blinking… the world never looked so fantastic.

The Ear brothers are in love with Ms. Vocal Chords, who is seemingly aware of her secret admirers and haven’t stopped singing since morning. Kind Mr. Lungs is tired, overworked and out of breath! His ‘Café Oxygen’ has been getting too many delivery orders and he is finding it hard to provide oxygen to everyone despite inflating to twice his size.

P.S: My body is under influence of The happiness drug. :-D

Close Enough. ;-)

All you need is...

Love?

Geez, did you buy those rose coloured glasses or did you paint them yourself? Do take them off before you look at the world next time. Anyway...

Every time I smell flowers I invariably find myself looking for the coffin.

People blame my cynicism. I blame experience.

Belief is elusive but doubt is better than cure.
P.S: All you need is 'cynicism'.

You still haven't taken off those rose-tinted glasses, have you? 

Ouch..

Fact of life: I get bored of people.

Current Realisation: Myself Included. [Ouch!]


P.S: Its been long since I surprised myself.

Bent in smile

A rosy world;

Rushing blood, playful smiles

A warm protection,

Surrounding you for miles.

Surreal days,

Starry nights

Caressing memories

Cute little fights.

Ignited roads

No darkness, no fear

That elusive feeling

Hell, I’ve been there.

Mere harbingers,

of what lies ahead.

Walk you shall

But you’ll be dead.

Lips bent in smile

those grieves defied.

Shining bright eyes

With tears inside.

One Last Time

There is always the ‘next time’ after ‘one last time’. 

I give in and then hate myself for every ‘next time’ that happens after my ‘one last time’.

I am going to have drink just ‘one last time’.

I'm going to let it go 'one last time'.

I am going to lie just ‘one last time’.

I am going to meet him just ‘one last time’.

I am going to talk to him ‘one last time’.

I am going to be nice to him, just ‘one last time’.

I want to hear his voice so bad, ‘one last time’.

One last time…

And then invariably there is the ‘next time’ when I give in telling myself again that I am going to do it just ‘one last time’.

How weak does one have to be to have a next time after every ‘one last time’. 

May be I do it because I am weak and because it’s easy. I know it’s not the best thing to do, but I promise I will do it just ‘one last time.’

P.S: In Oscar Wilde's words, "I can resist anything but temptations".

Of Bfs, love & Forever- Part-II

(This post is a follow-up to 'Of Bfs, Love and Forever-I' which I wrote a while ago.)

I am certainly more experienced as I sit to pen down the second part of “Of Bfs, love and forever”. Yes, well experience is the name I like to give to my mistakes, it sounds more cool and optimistic and no, I wasn’t wise enough to learn from others' mistakes that’s why I ended up making my own.

We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities and my fellow mates can tell you in detail how having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is more of a necessity than a mere want. In fact having a boyfriend almost felt like having a baby or a puppy; everyone stopped to coo and talk about it! And now, after having learnt from my mistakes when I go around telling people that I don’t really need a boyfriend, they look horrified, like I was claiming that I don’t really need any clothes!

Have you ever got something new, and then tried resisting yourself from using it? Noticed how tough it is to resist? I too couldn’t resist using my newly acquired wisdom and life experiences, so I donned the jacket (I personally don’t like hats too much) of ‘love guru’ once again.

What came next was another flood of relationship problems, issues, situations and confusions. Armed with my better understanding of relationships and members of not-so-fairer-sex in general… I set forth to help my fellow sisters.

Here are some eye-openers for the benefit of general public:

Case 1: So I really really really love this guy (yes, we girls tend to use a word multiple times in order to lay emphasis), and I am absolutely crazy about him, but he is not very expressive and stuff... He says "I love too", when I tell him that I love him but sometimes I doubt whether he even loves me or not? And that makes me very insecure. May be its just me, but is there any way by which you can tell whether a guy loves you or not?”

Reply 1: Sure. When a guy loves a girl, he would ask her to marry him- to change her name, quit her job, have and raise babies, be home when he gets back from work, move where his job is.
(It makes me wonder what he might ask if he didn't love her!) But there you go.

Case 2: Ever since I started dating this guy…. You know? First that, then that, then that and now this… I mean there have been so many turning points in our relationship.

Reply 2: Really? With so many turning points in your relationship, how can you be so sure that you are not just going around in circles ?

Case 3: He is so blind to my emotional needs, he is never there for me when I need him, I could be crying my eyes out but it’s still hard for him guess that I might be upset… Do guys even have any feelings?

Reply 3: It would be highly unfair to say that guys don't have feelings. Of course they have feelings, but more along the lines of ‘Who cares!’, 'I'm hungry', 'Damn! India lost the match', 'When-the-fuck-will-she-shut up', 'I wish I could have a threesome with her and her best-friend.'
(Not necessarily in that order.)

Case 4: I have never been so happy in my life… I am in love and guy I am in love with is totally in love with me. Life seems just so perfect.

Reply 4: You fight every day, you cry your eyes out every alternate day, spend hours on phone with your best friend telling her about all the billion irritating habits of your guy and all the zillion problems that you are going through in your relationship... but you are happy and life is perfect! Illusion as Oscar Wilde says, is first of all pleasures. Enjoy.


Case 5: When I met so and so, I felt this is what I had been waiting for all my life. He is so sweet, so loving, so caring…. And now that we are together I feel all my prayers have been answered!

Reply 5:  God is smart. When he wants to punish us, he simply answers our prayers.


P.S: Love is the food for soul; no wonder my soul died of food poisoning.

Why do I have the feeling you're wearing one of these around your neck right now?

Solitude

The slight ticking of the clock tells me it's one o’clock in the night. Only sound I can hear is that of the ticking clock and my own breathing which seems out of place. I frown and wish I could stop breathing so as to enjoy the absolute silence.

The silence is comforting and it only feels safe in the dark. I feel safe in the dark. Darkness is like a huge comforting blanket that engulfs all the troubles, pain, misery, death- everything. It’s not that suddenly in the dark these things cease to exist. It’s just that I can’t see them in the absence of light and when I don’t see them I don’t think of them. Everything becomes a blur, like a distant bad dream, very far from reality. I'm certain I'm not alone who finds the darkness soothing and comforting.

I just want to pull this darkness over me like a cosy blanket of safety, close to myself and go off to sleep. I don’t want to face the world, it's ugly. I don’t want to see the light, it's blinding. I don’t want to be able to see things as they are, they are appalling. Yes, reality is appalling and I am disgusted.

I don’t want anyone looking for me, calling out my name. People are pathetic, every single one of them. I don’t want them disturbing the silence, waking me up from my dream. There is just one person I want to be with- myself.
Solitude is the most faithful companion and the best company. Indeed.

Incidents, Images, Reflections..

They were sitting on the rocks and she was leaning against his back for support. None of them spoke a word for a long time and yet the silence between them was neither intrusive nor awkward. It seemed as if conversation had invented the silence and she thought this was the best conversation they ever had.

The lull slowly pushed her into the deep memories which are rarely unaccompanied by thoughts. She remembered how different she used to be. How she never felt that she belonged to the world she had inhabited for so long. How sarcastic and cynical she was about everything around her and how she particularly ridiculed, mocked and laughed at the notion of love and yet the supreme paradox was that she herself secretly wanted to fall in love. The truth was that her perception of love was very different from those around her and it was this 'other's' notion that she used to ridicule.

She never felt like a part of the world she lived in. She was always an outsider, a stranger. The way people around her thought and talked of love disgusted her. For her love was an eternal virtue. Behind her cynicism and skepticism was a profoundly disappointed idealist. She assumed that her idea of love was just that, an idea. She thought she was chasing a mirage because 'love' as she believed it to be, as she believed it should be, did not exist. This disappointed her and her disappointment was reflected through her mockery of shallow and superficial idea of love that existed around her.

And then one fine day he walked into her life and changed it forever. Faith, trust, hope, belief and love which were nothing more than deceptive fantasy for her became a reality. From a skeptic she became a believer. The way both of them met could have been pure coincidence or destiny but shortly after meeting him she knew they were meant to be. From the very beginning the connection between them had been conspicuous as day or night itself.

She thought if he was a dream and she was living a fairy-tale because things seemed too perfect to be true. The way she lost sense of time with him was always a mystery to her. She was surprised how every moment spent with him had been etched in her life and had become a treasured memory. Was it normal to get so involved with somebody that you forget everything else, she wondered. But he was not just somebody. He was the one she belonged to. She was his Sonia. And she knew she was in love, finally.

As the sun slowly surrendered the summer sky, he lazily put his arms around her waist, interrupting her thoughts and pulling her back to reality. She looked in his eyes and she felt herself slipping again. She wanted to tell him how she loved him, how much he meant to her and the way he made her feel but she couldn't find words that would do justice to her feelings. While she was still looking in his eyes, quietly, hoping that he understood, he pulled her closer and said, "I love you too sweetheart” and smiled. He bent forward to kiss her and as she pretended to be reluctant to kiss him back she wondered and marveled at how he always knows.

P.S: Even fiction needs REAL inspiration. Mind it.

Of Bfs, love & Forever..

Scene-II met an old friend after a very long time. After exchanging the regular pleasantries we got down to the ‘real’ conversation.
That’s when she dropped the bomb. “So, who is the guy?”
"Huh?"
"You didn't tell me, come on spill it out bitch."
I was caught off guard. Dude! what is this girl talking about?, I wondered.
"Saali don't give me an attitude, just tell me will you?" she coaxed again.
"Kutti, what the hell should I tell you?" I mumbled, still trying to figure out the context of her queries.
"Uffo, tell me the name of your boyfriend, ulloo ki doom!" she said tightening her grip.

(Before you get all agitated and judgmental let me clarify, 'Saali' 'Kutti' and other such assorted sobriquet are usually reserved for very close friends. Hence the pearls like 'Ullu ki doom'(Owl's tail :-/) actually symbolize our deep friendship and comfort level.)
Now back to the conversation:

"What?" I asked still perplexed.
"Ab Kya kya kar rahi hai? Main kya french bol rahi hoon?"
"Kutti, it'll take you a whole lifetime if not more before you can talk in french and just so it's clear- I don't have a boyfriend."
"What? STILL SINGLE?" her jaw dropped to the ground like a cartoon character.
"You got it right. Now believe it or faint."
If her hopes were made up of glass you could have heard the shattering sound.
"But you are in college!" she muttered dismally.
"And is that a problem?"
"Oh my god D! You are about to get into your second year. I don't see why can't you get into a relationship?" she said, giving me looks usually reserved for animals of endangered species.
"Because unlike you I can't commit to any jackass and then hope to fall in love with him eventually, that's why!"
"Saali stop grinning like an idiot. At least I have a jackass."
"True, and it will take me another 100 years to envy what you've got." I supplied.
"D, why can't you get practical? You are in college for god's sake. Just say yes.. trust me you will eventually start liking the guy.. love just grows."
"I'm sorry, I didn't get the relation between being practical and getting a BF?," I retorted.
"You're such a bitch..", my friend began.
Jesus, not again. I knew where the conversation was ultimately heading. I just grabbed my last chance, "All right, I give up S, its my fault really, I had no clue that getting a BF was prerequisite for getting into a college. But I am ready to make amends, I shall get myself a BF before I buy my course books for my second year, I promise. Now how about a Dark Temptations at Barista?"
"Dude are you a mind-reader?", she did a little jig.

CONCLUSION: Dark Temptations is the ultimate savior and rather tasty too.


Scene-II
The very next day I bumped into another friend who was apparently dying to talk about her BF. It just so happened that she had forcibly forged an introduction between her BF and I the very same week and since then somehow had not got the opportunity to, erm, discuss 'him' with me.

"Hey, you know we celebrated our 2 year 3 months anniversary yesterday?" she said, evidently getting excited.
"Great. Congrats."
"Do you know what he gave me?"
"No, but you are gonna tell me."
"A bouquet of 27 red roses, one for each month we've been together.That's sooo....."
"Innovative?" I supplied.
"No, romantic! Gosh, D, why do you always have to be sarcastic?"
"Sarcastic? Who me? Ya, I know, no, no, I mean , umm, he really loves you," I said, thinking this was a close one.
"You think so? Really? Let me show you his messages," she said, jumping.
She began without any warning, "Wait let me read it out for you."

And this is how the text messages went:
1.' I love you my love '
2.'I may not be perfect, but my love for you is purrrfect!'
3. 'Baby I love you soooo much.. missing you already babes. '
4.'... love..............................................'
5. ... something love something
6. More love thrown in with random articles.

Yawn.. More Yawing.. even more ackward-bored-to-death Yawning

"Hey D, you're not bored are you? Now listen to this one", she quipped.
"N, why are you making me read your personal messages?" I asked, while praying for some mercy.

104. ' Baby I love you three much.. muah , this is for ur cheeks.. muah .. for your nose... muah.. :)'
Yawn, YAWN.. 'suicidal thoughts' while she made sure I read all her hundred or so messages!

124. ' Gud nite my love ...muah..'
125. ' I am missing u.. muah!!'

"Isn't he sweet, D?"
"Well, if he is simply texting all those 'muahs' I think he is rather lazy!"
"What did you say?" she asked, perplexed.
"Nothing of consequence, never mind."
"And did you read the message he sent me on our anniversary?"

There are always first times in life. That day for the first time in my life I really, truly envied the DEAF!

"Ok D, read this one." she said while shoving her phone under my nose. The message read- 'I will Love you forever.. :)'
"Now, tell me what do you think of him and I want you to be brutally honest," she begged.

My prudence and experience warned me, this is a trap. It has to be, whenever people ask you for your   'brutal honest' opinion, they don't really want you to be brutally honest, they just want you to tell them the truth in a sensitive, sugar coated, diplomatic, lying kind of way.

"Your Bf, huh? Dude, the guy is a pain in the backside. How did you bear him for 2 years when I couldn't stand him for two hours! This moron doesn't even have a vocabulary beyond 'I love you'. What do you do when you guys meet- have an 'I love you' saying competition or something? You say you miss him when he is not there, haven't you missed his brain even once in 2 years? This intellectually sterile bimbo is a burden on mother earth. You are bowled because he said he will love you forever. Bleeding Christ, did you even bother asking him what does forever mean to him- 2 years 3 months and 5 days or 3 years? Forever is possibly the most ambiguous word after love because it means different things to different people. It would have been safer had he said he would love you until next year. And as for love, honey we'll talk about it once you figure out how many days makes your Bf's FOREVER."

As much as I was dying to say this, I didn't . Instead I said:

"Oh, your Bf, he's a very nice guy and quite hot. You're a very lucky girl because he really loves you and most importantly you two make a perfect couple. "
(Ah, well what were you thinking?? I am not Harish Chandra or something, besides this is what she wanted to hear and at times I do give surprising people a skip.. so)

"Really? You think so?" she asked, smiling.
"Of course honey, I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't."
"Hey, thanks, btw you know what my BF has really interesting friends."
"I am sure he does."
"No, I mean if you like my BF, you are going to love his friends."

CONCLUSION: Diplomacy and being nice has its own side-effects. :\

P.S: My Peer-Pressure barometer is showing crazy figures.

That ink will stay with you forever, not sure if I can say the same for your partner.
Img Source: deviantart.com

Fully Faltoo

Update: It's better if you skip this one. This is one of those pieces that make you cringe when you read them after a passage of time. The liberties I took with the punctuation are not the only thing wrong with this post. Thank god for growing up.

This is one of 'those' days, when I am in one of 'those' moods when I rarely make sense. I do get insane once in a while when my mind does a flip flop and I go over the top. Usually I try and hold on to my sanity but there are days in between , like this one, when I let it go.
Before you go ahead and judge me, I want you to take a moment and think. Think about why is sanity so over-rated to being with? Isn't sanity or insanity a relative term?

I guess I am loosing the thread, going off tangent. Oh wait, I didn't even have a thread in mind to begin with! Here's a confession, I was just feeling sadistic and thought of torturing people with some random atrocious writing, how’s that?

Apart from this sudden fit of insanity I am also a little confused. I don't know for some weird reason  form past few months I feel a sense of emptiness engulfing my life. Its like there's some vacuum that I need to fill but, I am totally lost on what do i fill it with. I have been missing something so terribly but the problem is I cant even figure out what am I missing. At times I feel an icy cold grip squeezing my heart and draining all its warmth I really want to break free from that grip but at that time I become so numb and helpless. I feel so lonely even in the crowd or when I am with friends its as if I have lost some connection, I know I need to reconnect but I am clueless about 'HOW' ?
I know there is something that I need that will set everything right I just hope I can figure out what is it before I lose myself.

I sound so incoherent and vague.
Mission accomplished.

Virginity- The Big Deal

She was an ordinary Allah fearing girl, her tiny but exuberant heart filled with many dreams and hopes for future. She did not even as much as look at other men. She wanted to ‘save’ herself for the marriage. She had always been told that ‘good’ girls didn't do ‘things’ before marriage. ‘Good’ girls didn't wear a certain kind of clothes because men will be men and girls must understand and only ‘good’ girls went to jannat after death. Allah didn't forgive ‘bad’ girls. There was no redemption for ‘bad’ girls. So she behaved like a ‘Good’ girl and wore clothes that wouldn't give away her slender figure. She didn't look at other men. She asked Allah for forgiveness whenever her thoughts wandered into the forbidden territory and reminded herself that she must always be a ‘good’ girl. She tried to keep her Allah happy. She had full faith in her Allah. She knew she would go to jannat. Her Allah will reward her for being ‘good’.
She got married to a very ‘good’ man. Her friends told her she was very lucky. She knew Allah was rewarding her for being a ‘good’ girl. She was very happy. She was beginning to live her dream with a ‘good’ man.
It was her first night. This night would change her life. She was nervous. Very nervous. She didn't know anything. But she knew her Allah is with her, after all she had always been 'good'. And she knew her husband was a ‘good’ man.
That night did change her life, and shattered her dreams… forever! She was stamped characterless, her husband disowned her, she was subjected to the worst humiliation and treated like some filthy insect because she did not bleed enough!

This is a true story of an Iranian woman who was forced to lead her life in dejection, shunned by society and her own family for being 'good' and because her husband suspected that she was not a virgin on her first night. What kind of world are we living in where the character of a woman resides in her vagina and is measured by how much she bleeds on her first night? In times when we are talking of woman empowerment and liberty, virginity is the yard stick we use to evaluate the purity of her character! Why is it that even as we talk of gender equality males expect their wives to be a virgin? And why is it that we women are expected to guard our virginity as some precious gift that we must offer to our husband on the first wedding night? Why is it that we women can’t ask our partners whether or not are they virgin themselves? Is demanding just a male prerogative?

Virginity has been deemed overrated since very long. In fact the terminologies that society has attributed to virginity is flawed and adds to the guilt feeling. We talk about losing virginity or giving it away. I don’t think a person has lost or given anything away or is different or less in any way if s/he is not a virgin!

The whole narrow definition of virginity is in desperate need of amend. In the strictest term; you are a virgin until you've had sexual intercourse with the member of the opposite sex. But this definition itself acts as a loop hole as it lets you get away with having a lot of different kinds of sex and still being able to call yourself a virgin. Technically, considering the traditional definition of virginity, someone who is homosexual can have sex every day and still be a virgin. Someone who has oral sex regularly too is a virgin. Does that really make sense?

I refuse to buy this redundant idea that is so biased and binding upon the women and covers up for men by stating that MEN WILL BE MEN. If being good means I'll have to curtail my freedom, I refuse to be 'good'. If society terms girls who live life on their own terms as 'bad' I chose to be labelled 'bad'. I refuse to 'save' myself for marriage. If I happen to remain virgin till I marry that will be because I choose to be one and not because I am obliged to make a gift of it to my husband.

Unusual music, some interesting sentiments.. a curious feeling in the pit of my stomach, brings to mind a Quote-
"Virginity can be lost by a thought."


P.S: Words of wisdom: "Nobody dies a virgin death, Life fucks all!"

Need I say more?

"18 till I die !!"

Immortal words by a mortal star, ‘18 till I die'. Personally I have my own views about immortality. For instance, I would rather achieve immortality by simply not dying than through my work but then that’s besides the point here. So I’ll try to stay put and not go off tangent!I had for long been laboring under the illusion that my life would take a dramatic turn once I turn 18 and now precisely five days after attaining that coveted 2 digit figure, the state of affairs remain a paradoxical abyss.

The Indian law considers people above 18 years of age as ‘adults’ and thus one is conferred with several rights at that age. But come to think of it the very foundations of Indian laws are contradicting. The ambiguity starts from the very word ‘adult’. When does a person cease to be a child? At 18, when a girl can marry; 16, when she can give consent for sex; or 14, when a person can work in hazardous jobs?But then I don’t intend to analyze the contradicting laws or their implementation or rather the lack of it!
Coming back to my newly acquired legal rights;

1. A person is legally allowed to drive at 18.
Yes, our law makers feel that a person is capable enough to handle a car at that age.(I read somewhere that sex is like driving, so in case you can’t wait to drive till you are 18 you can still legally experiment with some sex after 16 to get a fair idea)Well my even though my parents second the law makers' point of view and feel that 18 is the right age to get a Driver’s license, the appropriate age when their daughter should get the car remains debatable.

2. It’s illegal to sell tobacco products to people under 18.
So now that I am 18 I can walk up to any paan waala and demand for my pack of cigarettes with a new instilled confidence.That I consider smoking obnoxious, inconsiderate and plain yucky is a different matter altogether.The fact that now I can lawfully buy tobacco is enough to make me feel empowered, indeed!

3. 18 is the minimum age for a girl to get married.
It's true! I can get married to any gentleman I please, who is of course above 21years (That's the age the not-so-fairer sex is expected to grow up). So the policy makers think at 18 a person is old enough to get married, start a family and have babies ... though they also feel that the person needs a lot more growing up before s/he can handle his/her drinks (Legal drinking age being 25).Therefore, even though I can get married at 18, I can't celebrate my marriage with a drink!

4. 18 is the minimum age for voting.
Yippee! I will from now onwards have a say in the governance of the country. So what if my 'one' vote is simply a drop in the ocean? The voting rights give me the mental satisfaction and the much needed reassurance that I am finally and legally an adult.

Though by the standards of the Indian government I am an adult, my parents bluntly refuse to even acknowledge the fact! So, even after turning 18...
* I continue to travel by blue lines and autos (on more fateful days).
* I continue to drink milk with two tbs BOURNVITA!! (It’s tasty and healthy)
* I continue to struggle to get back home before sunset.
* I continue to eat out of my mummy's hands! (The experience is almost heavenly)
Would I still Love to be '18 till I die’? Umm.. I would have said yes without a thought had it not been for the "LEGAL DRINKING AGE"

Wishful Thinking you say..eh??

Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green and the guys are witty..

P.S. my version of "Paradise City" by Guns & Roses..!!hehe.. :)

Hmmmm.....

Update: It's better if you skip this one. This is one of those pieces that make you cringe when you read them after a passage of time. The liberties I took with the punctuation are not the only thing wrong with this post. Thank god for growing up.

There are some who won't care... no matter what you do and then there are some who can't stop caring, no matter what you do. So guess I just hold on to the latter and let go of the former. No hard feelings guys. I love you all but not more than myself !!!!
Here's wishing everyone a happy, joyous... and fun filled Diwali !!! Enjoy....

P.S. On going through this post I realised that I've been beating around the bush but whatever... .... ... I like taking liberties once in a while..!!! :)

Yours truly,
(the eternal optimist..!!)

Suffocated

Update: It's better if you skip this one. This is one of those pieces that make you cringe when you read them after a passage of time. The liberties I took with the punctuation are not the only thing wrong with this post. Thank god for growing up.

Be it my breakfast eggs or my life, i always like the sunny side up...but you don't always get what you want...do you?? I didn't always get what I want from life...and I didn't get what I asked from my so called friends either, just a bit of straight forwadness, honesty and mutual trust would have made things so much easier..!!
But its usually the simple things that people take so much time to understand...
Wonder whats the need to pretend...that u care...what was the need to tell me that you'll always be there....lies ...lies..and more lies....diplomacy...and that fake plastic smile...agrh...i m disgusted...!!

If u have a problem...tell me on my face dammit, i won't dream that you've got a hitch ...why play such dirty games....either play fair or quit playing... Besides my sentiments and emotions aren't meant for playing...

God...this can't be me..... but I am so sick and tired...
may be i have boarded the wrong 'ship'... . thats bound to sink ... may be it was I who never saw the hole .... I who didn't repair it in time ... but wasn't it also a job of fellow passengers to mend the hole ... couldn't they even tell me....