Monday, March 24, 2008

Of Bfs, love & Forever..


Scene-II met an old friend after a very long time. After exchanging the regular pleasantries we got down to the ‘real’ conversation.
That’s when she dropped the bomb. “So, who is the guy?”
"Huh?"
"You didn't tell me, come on spill it out bitch."
I was caught off guard. Dude! what is this girl talking about?, I wondered.
"Saali don't give me an attitude, just tell me will you?" she coaxed again.
"Kutti, what the hell should I tell you?" I mumbled, still trying to figure out the context of her queries.
"Uffo, tell me the name of your boyfriend, ulloo ki doom!" she said tightening her grip.

(Before you get all agitated and judgmental let me clarify, 'Saali' 'Kutti' and other such assorted sobriquet are usually reserved for very close friends. Hence the pearls like 'Ullu ki doom'(Owl's tail :-/) actually symbolize our deep friendship and comfort level.)
Now back to the conversation:

"What?" I asked still perplexed.
"Ab Kya kya kar rahi hai? Main kya french bol rahi hoon?"
"Kutti, it'll take you a whole lifetime if not more before you can talk in french and just so it's clear- I don't have a boyfriend."
"What? STILL SINGLE?" her jaw dropped to the ground like a cartoon character.
"You got it right. Now believe it or faint."
If her hopes were made up of glass you could have heard the shattering sound.
"But you are in college!" she muttered dismally.
"And is that a problem?"
"Oh my god D! You are about to get into your second year. I don't see why can't you get into a relationship?" she said, giving me looks usually reserved for animals of endangered species.
"Because unlike you I can't commit to any jackass and then hope to fall in love with him eventually, that's why!"
"Saali stop grinning like an idiot. At least I have a jackass."
"True, and it will take me another 100 years to envy what you've got." I supplied.
"D, why can't you get practical? You are in college for god's sake. Just say yes.. trust me you will eventually start liking the guy.. love just grows."
"I'm sorry, I didn't get the relation between being practical and getting a BF?," I retorted.
"You're such a bitch..", my friend began.
Jesus, not again. I knew where the conversation was ultimately heading. I just grabbed my last chance, "All right, I give up S, its my fault really, I had no clue that getting a BF was prerequisite for getting into a college. But I am ready to make amends, I shall get myself a BF before I buy my course books for my second year, I promise. Now how about a Dark Temptations at Barista?"
"Dude are you a mind-reader?", she did a little jig.

CONCLUSION: Dark Temptations is the ultimate savior and rather tasty too.


Scene-II
The very next day I bumped into another friend who was apparently dying to talk about her BF. It just so happened that she had forcibly forged an introduction between her BF and I the very same week and since then somehow had not got the opportunity to, erm, discuss 'him' with me.

"Hey, you know we celebrated our 2 year 3 months anniversary yesterday?" she said, evidently getting excited.
"Great. Congrats."
"Do you know what he gave me?"
"No, but you are gonna tell me."
"A bouquet of 27 red roses, one for each month we've been together.That's sooo....."
"Innovative?" I supplied.
"No, romantic! Gosh, D, why do you always have to be sarcastic?"
"Sarcastic? Who me? Ya, I know, no, no, I mean , umm, he really loves you," I said, thinking this was a close one.
"You think so? Really? Let me show you his messages," she said, jumping.
She began without any warning, "Wait let me read it out for you."

And this is how the text messages went:
1.' I love you my love '
2.'I may not be perfect, but my love for you is purrrfect!'
3. 'Baby I love you soooo much.. missing you already babes. '
4.'... love..............................................'
5. ... something love something
6. More love thrown in with random articles.

Yawn.. More Yawing.. even more ackward-bored-to-death Yawning

"Hey D, you're not bored are you? Now listen to this one", she quipped.
"N, why are you making me read your personal messages?" I asked, while praying for some mercy.

104. ' Baby I love you three much.. muah , this is for ur cheeks.. muah .. for your nose... muah.. :)'
Yawn, YAWN.. 'suicidal thoughts' while she made sure I read all her hundred or so messages!

124. ' Gud nite my love ...muah..'
125. ' I am missing u.. muah!!'

"Isn't he sweet, D?"
"Well, if he is simply texting all those 'muahs' I think he is rather lazy!"
"What did you say?" she asked, perplexed.
"Nothing of consequence, never mind."
"And did you read the message he sent me on our anniversary?"

There are always first times in life. That day for the first time in my life I really, truly envied the DEAF!

"Ok D, read this one." she said while shoving her phone under my nose. The message read- 'I will Love you forever.. :)'
"Now, tell me what do you think of him and I want you to be brutally honest," she begged.

My prudence and experience warned me, this is a trap. It has to be, whenever people ask you for your   'brutal honest' opinion, they don't really want you to be brutally honest, they just want you to tell them the truth in a sensitive, sugar coated, diplomatic, lying kind of way.

"Your Bf, huh? Dude, the guy is a pain in the backside. How did you bear him for 2 years when I couldn't stand him for two hours! This moron doesn't even have a vocabulary beyond 'I love you'. What do you do when you guys meet- have an 'I love you' saying competition or something? You say you miss him when he is not there, haven't you missed his brain even once in 2 years? This intellectually sterile bimbo is a burden on mother earth. You are bowled because he said he will love you forever. Bleeding Christ, did you even bother asking him what does forever mean to him- 2 years 3 months and 5 days or 3 years? Forever is possibly the most ambiguous word after love because it means different things to different people. It would have been safer had he said he would love you until next year. And as for love, honey we'll talk about it once you figure out how many days makes your Bf's FOREVER."

As much as I was dying to say this, I didn't . Instead I said:

"Oh, your Bf, he's a very nice guy and quite hot. You're a very lucky girl because he really loves you and most importantly you two make a perfect couple. "
(Ah, well what were you thinking?? I am not Harish Chandra or something, besides this is what she wanted to hear and at times I do give surprising people a skip.. so)

"Really? You think so?" she asked, smiling.
"Of course honey, I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't."
"Hey, thanks, btw you know what my BF has really interesting friends."
"I am sure he does."
"No, I mean if you like my BF, you are going to love his friends."

CONCLUSION: Diplomacy and being nice has its own side-effects. :\

P.S: My Peer-Pressure barometer is showing crazy figures.

That ink will stay with you forever, not sure if I can say the same for your partner.
Img Source: deviantart.com

33 comments:

just me... :) said...

Oh, and I thought I'll make this clear in the beginning.. I dnt have anything against people saying I LOVE YOU, its just when the per day I LUV U count starts running into 3digit figures tht it,umm, gets super-boring and starts giving head-aches!

GOOD DAY :)

Xhibit said...

Umm interestin...nicely narrated...:P...i once read 1 poem were it stated we carry lots of masks wid us..nd accordin to da requirement we put dem..elation,gloom,excitement,diplomacy....today gud bye is gud riddance....nd most amusin part ws ur frnd make it obligatory to get a bf lyk new pair of jeans or shoes...lols....jokes apart but ma psychism says u a loner.....???!!

Rebel Raised by SATAN himself said...

hmm... My mail ego!! is damning u for callin us Jackasses :D

Any wayzz nice!!... just 2 things

1. Is it Fiction???
2. if it isnt.. betta hope ur friend 'S' doesnt read it!! :)

Good Night!

Rebel Raised by SATAN himself said...

hey!! and one more thing.... u loozing on our competition.. hehehe!

Rebel Raised by SATAN himself said...

readin it for 5th time.... i liked it... so wen do i expect the next part????

just me... :) said...

@ xhibit: Just because I solicit intresting and stimulating company(which is evidently hard to find) or because I dnt have a BF, or the fact that I refuse to tolerate vacuum headed gits doesn't make me a loner.. ;)

And as for the poem, I read it too in school and with close friends there are no masks, and I dnt give a damn about the rest(unless of course I am in excepionally good mood ;))

@ rebel: Well I didn't call U a jackass, but if you consider yourself one... :P
(Just kidding gagan :))
And THIS ain't fiction and there are NO sequels coming up.

P.S: U read this 5 times already?? Good heavens, are u trying to learn this by heart or sumthing?? :D
I do remember abt the Royal messenger, its just tht I have been unable to squeeze any time.

unforgiven said...

Don't be so harsh on them. Just because they want to bask in the drug-like high of feeling in 'love', doesn't make them worse than any other heroin addicted junkie out there?! What's wrong with living one's life on the support of a hallucinogen?


Actually, I lied.
It's not a drug-like high.

No drug is _that powerful.

Xhibit said...

jagat mata lols dunno dis is perfect adjective which struck ma empty head...well its not abt soliciting or secludin urslf its abt makin a hue n cry of nt havin a bf..which ur frnd did.nd its ur perspective da way u luk at things nuffin is hard to find u just hav to strive a bit....nd i neva said if u don hav a bf makes u a LONER...well lyf is pretty mundane so njoy while it ponces on ya...:d

dreamer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dreamer said...

well... i just loved this!!!!! you write excellently

Devashni... just wait till you fall in this foolishness once... even i would never get along with a girl with a peanut brain... but the point that you get along means that u start swimming in a pool of mush...

Rebel Raised by SATAN himself said...

hey! hey! apne challenge ka kya hua????? and wen r ur DU exams from???

Rebel Raised by SATAN himself said...

is it my imagination or guyzz have really started hitting on you taking replies as the medium?? :) *Peace!*

dreamer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
unforgiven said...

Blogfight!
_Somebody pass the pop-corn!

dreamer said...

hitting in her :D
dude...

males are naturally designed to hit upon females... i know but this time u sort of got it wrong... okay :D

*chill*

dreamer said...

removed the comment coz i got a bit hot due to other reasons...
i fear no blogfight to ensue... srry :D

Ashish said...

hehe awesome article, loved it! an eloquent celebration of cliches, if i may use the term :P

loved how u made fun of the 'college=must have bf/gf' mentality in the first part. i swear u get asked that so many times that u feel u should have one just so u dont have to say no to all those people and see them go 'what???!!!! ur in college and ur still not committed!!!! whats wrong with u????' as if the first thing that happens in college is a round of blind dating or something. peer pressure raising its ugly head in one of its many forms. u know that if u do say yes, theyll totally start asking u about him/her and ull be in the spotlight, atleast when they are around, for a while. that itself is enough to pinch u on the inside and ask urself 'why the hell am i not committed??! its what all the cool kids are doing!!! must find random girl/boy to hook up with NOW!!!' peer pressure sucks :(

more later. keep it up!

Pratyush said...

In certain places like the place I and Ashish are in, it's the opposite.

The fact that you DO have a girlfriend is supposed to be something big. As in BIG.

For obvious reasons, I won't reveal the place...

Ashish said...

a big LOL@pratyush

Shantanu said...

what a delightfully funny post! it's very well written, apart from the feelings expressed themselves.

i definitely agree with you that it's the stuff of stupid people to call people they don't really love or like their boy(or girl) friends.

i found lines like the one where you talk about envying the deaf really funny. the humour content of your posts is certainly on the up..nice work!

Shantanu said...

and Devashni...pratyush's talking about IIT, obviously...and he's right about having a GF being a BIG thing...boys who have a girl-friend are seen as a different species...a higher, more developed species...

jayant said...

You're a master(err.. mistress!) at narrating things..
I wonder how'll people manage the "one rose for each month" ritual if they eventually get married and stick together for smthin like 10 yrs!
as for finding your supposed "soulmate"(whom you're supposed to FIND initially and then later supposed to GROW LOVE for the person),I've faced this questions hunreds of times(kya yaar.. Manipal..MANIPAL me 3 saal bita diye bina kisi gf k?)

vaise i HOPE it was sheer coincidence that the person taking the beating in this post(penned by a female) is a male..

liked the post no end.. m off to read other posts nw..
cheers!

Rozita Singh said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Parag Gupta said...

whoah..nice!
So it was true, there our females out there who are beyond the pathetic romantic cliches.

I really hoped that you would have told which ever friend of yours that was what you really felt, but then, I guess now she knows.

Also, I think your friend is in a relationship only because she thinks that she should be, or rather because some of her friends are.

Following from the text, she seems immature enough to fall in love with an ape with a cute butt ;)

Sutta said...

Hahaha!! :P

phoenix said...

gr8 story!!!...... wonder if its real. I liked it very much.

Especially the thought you had about the your friends bf.

just me... :) said...

@ Shantanu and Ashish:
Hi, Its definitely too late a reply but none the less, the humour in the post was unintended though the sarcasm was not ;)

@Jayant:
It's sheer coincidence that anybody at all had to take beating in this post. :P

@ Dreamer:
What exactly did u mean by Pool of muck.. oops mush ??

@ Parag:
Hey, honestly its easier to fall in love with "an ape with cute butt", they are so much better. But then its my personal opinion ;) haha

@ Phoneix:
Reality Bites :)

@ Rozita:
:) :D

@ Unforgiven:
PQY K FQ MPQY "PQ FTWI KU VJCV RQYGTHWN"

unforgiven said...

CRG YKVJ C EWVG DWVV? CPAQPG K MPQY?

just me... :) said...

PU'F GTHPQPUTXI TDFI UA HDXX PQ XANT RPUK DST RPUK BOUT DFF MOU TDFI UKPQJF DYT QAU DF WOBK HOQ FA P GYASSTG UKT PGTD .

unforgiven said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nikita said...

lol ! that was highly amusing, interesting, engaging& very true..! cant stop smiling ;)

wonderfully written man! will be tracking your blog for more such stuff ;-)

Ketan said...

Ultra funny!

just me... :) said...

Motivation and inspiration are plenty, all that is required is perspiration!
Hopefully we'll have "Of Bfs, Love and Forever.. PART-2" as soon as I get my computer working. I can't wait to park my lazy bum and type my way to glory again! :P

Thankyou for such appreciation all of u :)

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