Monday, January 28, 2008

Virginity- The Big Deal

She was an ordinary Allah fearing girl, her tiny but exuberant heart filled with many dreams and hopes for future. She did not even as much as look at other men. She wanted to ‘save’ herself for the marriage. She had always been told that ‘good’ girls didn't do ‘things’ before marriage. ‘Good’ girls didn't wear a certain kind of clothes because men will be men and girls must understand and only ‘good’ girls went to jannat after death. Allah didn't forgive ‘bad’ girls. There was no redemption for ‘bad’ girls. So she behaved like a ‘Good’ girl and wore clothes that wouldn't give away her slender figure. She didn't look at other men. She asked Allah for forgiveness whenever her thoughts wandered into the forbidden territory and reminded herself that she must always be a ‘good’ girl. She tried to keep her Allah happy. She had full faith in her Allah. She knew she would go to jannat. Her Allah will reward her for being ‘good’.
She got married to a very ‘good’ man. Her friends told her she was very lucky. She knew Allah was rewarding her for being a ‘good’ girl. She was very happy. She was beginning to live her dream with a ‘good’ man.

It was her first night. This night would change her life. She was nervous. Very nervous. She didn't know anything. But she knew her Allah is with her, after all she had always been 'good'. And she knew her husband was a ‘good’ man.
That night did change her life, and shattered her dreams… forever! She was stamped characterless, her husband disowned her, she was subjected to the worst humiliation and treated like some filthy insect because she did not bleed enough!

This is a true story of an Iranian woman who was forced to lead her life in dejection, shunned by society and her own family for being 'good' and because her husband suspected that she was not a virgin on her first night. What kind of world are we living in where the character of a woman resides in her vagina and is measured by how much she bleeds on her first night? In times when we are talking of woman empowerment and liberty, virginity is the yard stick we use to evaluate the purity of her character! Why is it that even as we talk of gender equality males expect their wives to be a virgin? And why is it that we women are expected to guard our virginity as some precious gift that we must offer to our husband on the first wedding night? Why is it that we women can’t ask our partners whether or not are they virgin themselves? Is demanding just a male prerogative?

Virginity has been deemed overrated since very long. In fact the terminologies that society has attributed to virginity is flawed and adds to the guilt feeling. We talk about losing virginity or giving it away. I don’t think a person has lost or given anything away or is different or less in any way if s/he is not a virgin!

The whole narrow definition of virginity is in desperate need of amend. In the strictest term; you are a virgin until you've had sexual intercourse with the member of the opposite sex. But this definition itself acts as a loop hole as it lets you get away with having a lot of different kinds of sex and still being able to call yourself a virgin. Technically, considering the traditional definition of virginity, someone who is homosexual can have sex every day and still be a virgin. Someone who has oral sex regularly too is a virgin. Does that really make sense?

I refuse to buy this redundant idea that is so biased and binding upon the women and covers up for men by stating that MEN WILL BE MEN. If being good means I'll have to curtail my freedom, I refuse to be 'good'. If society terms girls who live life on their own terms as 'bad' I chose to be labelled 'bad'. I refuse to 'save' myself for marriage. If I happen to remain virgin till I marry that will be because I choose to be one and not because I am obliged to make a gift of it to my husband.

Unusual music, some interesting sentiments.. a curious feeling in the pit of my stomach, brings to mind a Quote-
"Virginity can be lost by a thought."

P.S: Words of wisdom: "Nobody dies a virgin death, Life fucks all!"

Need I say more?


Rebel Raised by SATAN himself said...

You did an real good job there... but the thing is that only the strong survive and for ladies to survive they need to unite in themselves... like males have till now!

I salute the ladies who make their own stance in this men's world and thats what i call "STANDING TALL".. y do men expect their women to cook for them when they know they work as hard as they do all day, and women still handle the office and housely chores ... still they get treated like this... Feel ashamed!

Rozita Singh said...

m touched and moved by the Iranian woman's story!yeah indian society is infact about the girl being 'good',the guy can be nythng!he is never in question....
its only the grl who has 2 bear the brunt of many small nd big thngs fr her ENTIRE life!
huh!it really makes me angry!!

Meher B said...

Very thought provoking and a highly debated issue ya.
but i know for a fact that our men want virgins for wives primarily because they are insecure. insecure that the girl might have had better before,if not a virgin, and that would completely shatter the ever growing male ego.
yes sir.
It's sickening.
And the mothers-in-law do not help.

just me... :) said...

@ meher: Well you knw wat... thats wat i think too... but i jus didnt mention abt their insecurities because i DIDNOT want to assault their "manhood" in this blog post.. The issue was VIRGINITY.... I shall devote another post to their insecurities... let me get some more psychological perspective!! :p

just me... :) said...

@ rebel:
Wen u say STRONG survive... Are u referenging to the physical strength or the mental one.. because un/fortunately its the males who r biologically stronger..!!
Secondly unity and males dnt ever go together.. unless ofcourse u mean they stand united to make our lifes hell... raping, eve-teasing, molestation, leering, staring.. it goes on! Any nd every part of the matter what age group... men stand united at tht indeed!
I salute the ladies who make their own stance in this men's world and thats what i call "STANDING TALL"..
So u think that THIS IS a MEN'S WORLD.. gimme a break.. men didnt inherit this wordl..and they have absolutely no right to call it theirs.. U see..tht is the whole problem.. men actually feel tht its their world and so they think tht its women who must make tht extra effort to survive here.. and they are doing us some big favours by letting us be here and and rape and molestation is the price we have to pay........

P.S. Gagan this vent wasnt really aimed at u... Goes out to all men in general..!!

Rebel Raised by SATAN himself said...

Devashni... lets talk practically and wat is real! i am not calling this Men's world coz i m a guy but it is! i mean think of it... (I dont want to hurt any religious sentiments but) Wen Ramji rescued Sita maa why did she have to give the 'agni pariksha'????? she didn want any of wat happened... did he not trust her... y didn Ramji have to give some test like that?????? Husband are like "gods" thats wat is written in our holy books!! isnt it? so what does it refer? what would a common relegious person make out of it?? And no i dont beleive any of this crap!!!

Wen i talked about unity in women... u must be aware that all the dowry cases that have surfaced has mother in law as the leading culprit.. y?????? y does a women do this to another women?? .. mother in law hates her daughter in law,,, there are clashes in family between wives of brothers!! y do mothers kill their infant daughters??? y are they happy with boy childs??? think of it devashni... some times there are many reasons to a problem but not just one!

Rest me... i treat a girl, women as i would want my sister and mother to get treated by other men!and if i find any bastard who looks like a rape freak to me.. i'll surely open up his head there and then!!! i know men are assholes. . . but not all are alike!

shruti... ;) said...

a heated debate seems to b gng on hre olrdy...but...i must say...dis one z a very bold article...and i hav only 1 thing 2 say abt dat wedr i choose 2 'hav fun' or not before marriage is none of ne1z business....nd d women who do get subjected 2 such bulls**t shud walk out of d arrangement of such a marriage...

faisal said...

i wont say dealing with someone similar rite now... but trying my best to make her fight against all odds...u know MEN... when it comes to such a issue they can go to any extent to prove the girl is some ....kya likhu yaar ... lets hope MEN get some not brain but HEART one fine day to feel for their better half... dont know if they even understand the tern better half...

music of silence said...

yaah....i agree with what meher said....n high time women start demanding for virgin men for marriage now!!!

nikita g said...

yeah u really got a point there...even i don understand all dis ballyhoo bou virginity!!bt 1 thing for sure guys r obsessed bou der wives being i think d view is slowly changing now......

Saharsh said...

d story is a slap on d face of the ones who thnk n propagate d false notion dat women r bein treated equally... n i do feel sorry 4 d gal frm d core of my heart... d position of women is really worse in countires lyk iran, iraq, pakistan n afghanistan... incidents lyk these take place due 2 illogical n irrational thnkin... i mean, shld a gal bleed profusely on d 1st nite in order 2 prove dat shez a virgin??? sheer nonsense... only a sick n twisted person cld thnk of such an alibi 2 force his wife 2 rot in hell 4 d rest of her natural lyf... disgustin!!!

RuDR@ said...

haha... this for your final quote!

beside i wish if you could have drafted things even better... besides you do sound furious god knows on what... and hey keepin thins apart you need a resolution check for the term virginity

and hey now a days people cares the least about the same... i wonder if this piece of yours whould have cames say.... 5-6 years earlier then it would have been a revolutionary one... still its good to read on.. ;)

unforgiven said...

It's a case of punishment that far outweighed the crime.

The crime? Believing that your 'virginty' is what would get you into heaven and that any girls that "didn't" follow suit, were not going to heaven.

I am sorry; what was done to her was horrible, but sympathy isn't exactly oozing out the pores here for such a person.

Pratyush said...

Right after reading your post, lady, the first thought that occured to me was that you are a stark, raving, lunatic right out of the asylum .
Forgive that burst of true sentiment-I usually disguise them in civil language but this time, it was too much.

The crime, I admit, was heinous. But you should not take one example, hoist it up on a flag, and then march around the world hoisting that one flag with one example saying that women are subjugated.

I had the fortune of being in Iran just this year, where I saw that women are given quite a lot of freedom. Of course, they aren't allowed to parade about, let's say, highly underdressed. But that is the way it should be. There is something called modesty, right? Or is that another chain that binds women?

I conclude my passionate tirade about your slightly abnormal state of mind by stating that the loss of virginity, a statement which you use as easily as 'loss of my slipper' is something very personal. Most people reserve it for the people they feel very intimate with. With whom they share a special bond. Not just any drunk in a bar. This is why virginity is still guarded.

unforgiven said...

@Pratyush: It is amazing to see how kindly you view the 'great amount of freedom' that Iran 'gives' to their women.

It is also even better to observe how you don't seem to think there is anything wrong with socially ostracizing a woman simply because she isn't a virgin.

You did know that the 21st century arrived and we're no longer keeping women locked in cages anymore, right?

Pratyush said...

My unforgiven friend,

For one, I definitely did not say that ostracising that lady was justified in any sense. I believe I made it clear that the crime committed was heinous.

On the other hand, I do realize that the 21st century is here. The century of booze, drugs, cigarettes and unsolicited and free sex. That is where this is leading, is it not?

My comment was directed against the second part of the lady's tirade - the one in which she talks about losing her virginity with a level of triviality which shocks me. What I said was that virginity is something sacred, like sex. I think the better term would be making love. In order to 'make love', you need to be in love. Tell me, do you fall in love every second day?

And finally about the Iran part. I might have chosen a few wrong words, but I do agree that both the freedom and the restrictions placed on the women there are perfectly logical. Some restrictions need to be placed for there to be social order.

And let me tell you, for equality of the sexes, even men aren't allowed to wear shorts in front of the women there.

unforgiven said...

I do understand what you are saying. You don't get what I am.

You are still, wrong.

What some does with their genitals isn't a basis for judging them. Is virginity pure to you? Great! You should keep it till you're 40!

If it isn't to someone else? That doesn't detract from that persons character. That is their 'personal' life, who the fuck are you to comment on it or make any judgement on it?

just me... :) said...

Gentelmen.. I hope to make my point one by one

@ unforgiven: Wen I wrote this blog post i didnot expect ppl to ooze simpathy for the woman..tht was never my motive!
secondly the girl just wanted a happy life n she was not dreaming of heaven. She was jus trying to be "good" because society had convinced her tht only good girls were respected and hence cud be happy.. so she did wat society thought 'good' girls should do.
Its always like ur damned if u do and damned if u dnt... she supressed her desires to do wat society expected her to do and she was damned.. and had she followed her desires she wud have been labelled as chacterless and damned again..! Such ironies.. thats what i wanted to emphasize.

@ pratyush: first of all thanks for those kind words. At the very least I wasn't offended for the words were true to ur feelings.Honesty is rarity today and I appreciate honesty when i see it!
Unforgiven has alredy pointed abt ur kind views on FREEDOM given to women..
Now as for ur metaphorical reference of slippers.. I totally agree that virginity is very special... True intimacy means being mentally naked – just as much as it involves the physical shedding of clothes and thats why most of us spend years searching true love, someone we can be naked with(both physically and mentally)and if u take pains to read more carefully u will realise tht nowhere in my post have i advocated that girls should just catch hold of any third idiot that they can find to lose their virginity..nobody is crazy enough to do tht, wat i m sying is losing my virginity is my own prerogative and my personal domain so I dnt expect anyone and absolutely anybody to question me abt how and wen i decide to loose it or expect me to save it as some gift for my wud-be husband!

Just a piece of advice.. Before u lash out at anyone in future make sure u first understand what they are actually trying to say rather than presuming sumthing on ur own!

Pratyush said...

It appears my thought process has been limited by the fact that I can understand only what is written and cannot look into the author's mind and thus know what is actually meant. If what you now state is what you originally meant, then I take back my words, and offer an apology for the, ahem, not too mild opinions of mine.

unforgiven said...

Oh sympathetic isn't possible; but the result is hardly surprising.

One of the problems with being a robot, is clearly the chance of being considered a defective piece and thrown out the window as one.

Which is exactly what happened in this case.

Ashish said...

A friend of mine in IITK directed me to this, and I must say it was a great post.

I totally agree with what u say about the world not being fair to the sexes when u regard virginity....i mean 'men will be men????' what kind of a screwed up excuse is that? bottom line is that YOUR virginity is YOUR own and hence OTHERS have no right tell when to lose it. its beyond disgusting how they expect their wives to be 'garden-fresh' while they can have as many flings as they please. i can just go on ranting about this, i truly find it sick. have u read a thousand splendid suns by any chance?

@rebel raised by satan himself- dude the 'its a men's world' argument is just bullcrap. what gives u the right to say that women have a lesser right to everything than us? that 'agni pariksha' thing is also nonsense, just because it hapened in Ramayana doesn't make it significant. many people(including me) don't believe in ramayana in the first place. the problem is that certain men have this chauvinist attitude that they are 'stronger' than women and so all all this virginity nonsense crops up. and the sad part is that it has happened for so long that it has been ingrained in the women themselves. like i said, i could just go on and on about this.

@meherb you are bang on with the insecurity thingie, its the whole male chauvinist pig attitude basically. their egos are more fragile than a glass house in a hail storm, it just adds fuel to the 'brides should be virgins' fire.

@pratyush dude your post is literally bursting at the seams with bullcrap. u may have gone to iran but u cant extrapolate what u saw there to the whole social situation in the country. if i start on why ur post makes less sense than a solar powered flash light ill find it difficult to stop so just read this:

Pratyush said...

Kharloya, I had been in contact with lots of people in that country. True, more injustices happen there than here or in some other countries. However, this does not imply that the general public there has such a mindset. Would you say, after the Nithari case, that Indians are pedophiles? Do not judge the status of an entire nation by a few isolated (though grave) examples. I would now like to know what else was bullcrap...

Manu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Manu said...

i read through the post..and i got the feel of the brouhaha triggered off by the post too..i wud like to downplay all these as emotional outbursts of some (quasi)feminists..first of all are you ppl trying to encourage a female chauvanism to quell male chauvanism..that was the impression given by the article..a strong hatred towards 'man' was overt in the article and the subsequent discussions..ya, it is admitted that women are persecuted and oppressed in many realms of has historiacally wielded a dominant position..but that doesnt warrant the complete decimation of coming to virginity issue..isnt it a basic right of a husband to expect the virginity of his wife?..why is it so problematic? if u argue that right should be extended to the female, its understandable. but why to undermine the concept of virginity. isnt mutual loyalty and trust a sine qua non for the institution of marriage. if you people feel this concept is a deterrant to your pursuit of pleasueres of life, then dont venture into marriage. you are free. there is no compulsion on you. those who revere virginity, let them do it. i fail to understand how the concept of virginity acts as a tool of oppression of women. there are issues like dowry, domestic violence, trafficking where women are exploited brutally. but the prerequisite of virginity in marriage is no way a denial of any rights of women

just me... :) said...

@ manu
First of all Feminism is NOT synonymous with ‘man-hater’.. it’s a totally wrong conception of the idea. Women have been, treated differently and have been subjected to a lot of oppression by our patriarchal society, also they have been unable to participate fully in all social arenas and institutions, A desire to change that situation is what feminism is all about. So its not necessary that only women can be can be feminist too.

so u really think thatits a "basic right" of a husband to expect his wife to be a virgin??
I am just so tired of answering this one... and RUDRA was saying that my post wud hav been more apt 5-6 years back.. as today ppl dont really care abt their wives being a virgin?
Dear Rudra why dnt u have a look at this comments section and tell me what do u have to say..?? Forget abt whats happening in villages where a girl's virginity is a matter od FAMILY PRIDE and HONOUR!!This is what our educated elites think..

I sincerely request Mr. UNFORGIVEN to answer Mr. Manu.. who ironically happens to be living in 21st century!

Pratyush said...

I for one, wholeheartedly agree with Manu. He has been able to put succinctly in lucid language the point which I was belaboring to put forward.

Manu said...

very interesting overwhelmed to learn that you people regard shunning of virginity as the yardstick for very thankful that you have illuminated me with the exact meaning of feminism..but it has failed to alter my perception about it..i perceive it as a redundant idea...and your comment that 'today ppl dont really care abt their wives being a virgin" betrays a sheer ignorance of the existing social realities on your part...what constitutes "people"..the so called elitist who are endeavoring to manifest their hedonist interests by being in their ivory towers?? talking about the mass..if you have an iota of the idea of the way indian society functions you wouldnt have made this preposterous comment..and your reply hasnt convinced me how the concept of virginity oppresses have tried evade my queries by trying to delegate your job to some other people who have got swayed away by your rhetoric...i need a convincing reply to the point raised by me...thank you...if you claim to be a true feminist then i remind you of various other grave issues which are troubling women...

Ashish said...

@manu no one here is saying that shunning of virginity is a yardstick for development. what we're essentially arguing about is whether it is right for a husband to expect his wife to be a virgin or not, and that is totally personal. but it is purely hypocritical to expect her to be a virgin when u are not one, u can agree with me on that atleast.

regarding how virginity oppresses women, well like it has been mentioned before, virginity is a PERSONAL thing and hence a woman should not be expected to 'safeguard' it for anyone if she doesn't want to just because society demands so. read the original post, the women was ostracized just because her virginity was DOUBTED, no one was even certain if she had sex before.

what u r saying about prevalent social norms may be right, but that doesnt mean that every1 of us be expected to adhere to it. which is why u cant blame 'us people' of having different opinions since ur essentially doing what ur accusing us of doing, that is expolating our opinions to the whole society. i'll comment in detail later. oh and pratyush, u are in my college so we can just debate face to face :)

RuDR@ said...

@ debater & very own AUTHOR.

time to speak out "s.o.m.e" .. isn't it!!
I am JUST not signifying anyone by anymean

How about I just hit a refresh key over this debate and “just” talk about the core logic in here. Talking about “a girl loosing her virginity before marriage” … I don’t get this “Why is this silly thing is bothering people in here”.
For those who thinks the concept weighs a TON, then hey open up your all shut eyes and have a look around… in general people(sagacious) have evolved a big time they understand that a person loosing virginity before his/HER marriage is not enough to judge the character of a person or to be acute “virginity” is nowhere into considerations which they opt for while selecting there soul-mates it’s just that fading bunch of retro-spear-heads counts on such things as they are very much unaware about the breath taking god speed growth rate …. around. I have been residing in a metropolitan city all my life being a curious mind I met and keenly observed the people coming from various backgrounds with drifting mind-sets, rapid change in time-sheet has forced/drilled the term “practicality” in minds of humanoid. I can surely talk on this for hours but the core would still be the same viz’ “practicality”, so guys chill and take a break from your respective hectic life’s and try opening your encapsulated mindset’s.

@ just me..: “when I took the initiative about speaking on the concept for sure I never represented the bunch of exceptions and the volume of the world is still a “universal set”, so chill ya ;) …!!”

P.S: No “hard feeling”, guys that was just a reality check with a fling of sourness.

just me... :) said...

Ashish has just paraphrased my thoughts word by word..I second him completely..

Any thing else that might be troubling you MANU?? But before u raise anymore points wud u mind answering one question HONESTLY for me.. Do u urslf pledge to remain a virgin till u marry?
In case ur answer is 'no' why then do u xpect it from ur wife?

And for one last time I am clarifying that no where in my post am i advocating that women should go out and lose their virginity just in the name of rebelling against the society.
All I am saying is they should not be stamped as characterless for losing their virginity before marriage!

Now u say that trust is the foundation of any marriage..well i second that completely... but I totally disagree that a wife needs to be a virgin to win that trust!
A woman could have been raped and thus lost her virginity.. now are u trying u say that since she is not a virgin therefore she cannot be trusted and hence cant be a good wife? Now is it evn her fault?

I can just go on ..but the point is u still wont get it.. not untill u keep ur prejudices aside and try a fresh perspective.. and thats why I wanted one of the guys to answer u before i did.


Ashish said...

well i was going to talk in detail about how what a woman does BEFORE her marriage has got nothing to do with mutual loyalty and trust AFTER the marriage but devashni pretty much beat me to it and it seems that we have reached a peaceful conclusion or something like that. so i wont start anything now. will just end with what i said before, every1 has his own idea of what is socially right, just dont force it on EVERYONE.

oh and in the previous post i mean extrapolate not expolate.

Manu said...

you sounded reasonable point is also the same...virginity is a matter which falls under the ambit of one's personal discretion...losing or preserving it is a personal matter..i agree with the same time expecting the spouse to be virgin, irrespective of gender is also one's personal right..moreover its a statutory right too..if you have heard of something called Hindu Marriage Act and Special Marriage act you will know cant force people to abdicate that is something arising out of one's marital conjugal right..and its mutual...hus n wife can claim there is no question of gender inequality here...if a hus forsakes his wife on the ground that she's not virgin, i wudnt feel anything wrong with that..i reiterate that its his social and legal right to do that....

@ just me...
you are getting really freaked out..and my virginity is not the proposition im refraining from answering your query..and how cud u conclude that im prejudiced and orthodox..actually im the one who is harbouring a liberal attitude point is clear..when and how to lose ur virgintiy is one's personal prerogative..same is one's right to expect virginty from his wife..and since i advocate this to both genders there is no ppl are just lashing out at people who adore and enshrine virginity..let them do it..and if you want to desecrate it, do it...why to cross the rail..

i thing a reconciliation has been made between the contrasting issues..
thank you..
@just me-thank you for reading my story..i'll continue to expect this cooperation for my forthcoming stories too...

just me... :) said...

@ manu
Thanks for bringing the Hindu laws to my notice.. I was rather ignorant of existence of any such laws. I sall definitely look thenm up.
And I definitely grant u my kind cooperation :)

faisal said...

just off the topic but heartfelt ... Women think they are clever because they can fake orgasms... Men can fake a whole *ucking relationship for just an orgasm !

just me... :) said...



unforgiven said...


just me... :) said...


unforgiven said...


SaKeTH said...

Bristling Convo's :)

I must agree with ya, what if you express so much disgust?It is every much warranted.. :D

Xhibit said...

Well da othr day i read in newspaper sm CM is quoted if gals wear so revealin g clothes wat can men do abt it.? crap.....dese r da ppl who make laws fr us enforce it..wel india is a male chauvanist society....dese men shud rather be called animals....well we da youth need to take a stand....othrwise women empowerment is just puts a blackmark on all da men....????????????

just me... :) said...

@ xihibit: These men? umm, aren't you one yourself?

Oh, well I am just kidding Of course! ;) Nevermind.

I read this somewhere:
The author said "In todays times virginity is a virtue expected only in olive oils."
Evidently the author is not an Indian.
I am waiting none the less.

just me... :) said...

An Observation:

I NEED MEN even to say AMEN... ah, now that's sad. :-|

Xhibit said...

Well m a man fr sure lols...well dis doesnt deem me or any other man to go out n make lyf miserable fr any women...becomin perverts nd exploitin da same creed of women who once brought dem in dis world........everybody wants to eat da forbidden fruit...buh noh foreseein da responsibilities stringed to it...nd m very inquisitive of wat r u w8n fr?


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