Epiphany (I)

Often, friends and family have told me how they are almost certain of seeing me in some news paper someday. Flattering as it might seem, their remark more often than not leaves me perturbed and secretly praying that it's not on the third page of some news paper under the obituary column.

I'm not sure if it's the youthful idealism, arrogance or my ego but I do desperately want my life to mean something.

D
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Additional NOTE:
Dear D,
Even though Paulo Cohelo told you otherwise, you can't just want something badly enough and then leave it up to the conspiring universe to do the needful. Believing that this or any other parallel universe will conspire in your favour just by virtue of wanting something isn't just stupid, it's beyond stupid.

It's about time you stop being stupid, got off your lazy ass and started doing things. Also, start USING ME for a change, I'm one of those wonderful things that the more you use, the more I grow.

With Love,
D's Brain

One of those 'Random Confessions'

A little less dramatic, but close enough..

For someone who enjoyed writing, I haven't written anything in over a year. A long dead and neglected blog is a testimony to that.

It's not because of some writer's block that stretched well over a year. It's not because I lack the will. ‘I’ve been busy and occupied’ is the excuse I give but everybody knows it’s just that, an excuse. Yes, I am lazy, but that's not 'the' reason. I haven’t been emotionally dead for so long either. I had plethora of emotions pulling me in every direction.

I have been livid with anger on numerous occasions, so livid that I cried violently every time I tried writing about it and I have been happy too, so happy that if a genie materialised in front of me right then I won't have known what more to ask for.

I did feel loved, so loved that I couldn't think of a more lucky person.

I felt humiliated, depressed, trampled, crushed and hopeless for days at a time. On the other hand there were days I felt happy, elated, ecstatic, obsessive and passionate.

There were days when I loved every living being on the planet and then there were days when I despised mankind altogether.

There were days when I believed with every grain of my being that the world loves me and on other occasions I believed that I make no difference to this world what so ever with the same passion.

There were days when I went out and made friends of strangers and then there were other when I severed all ties with the world.

Evidently there wasn't a dearth of things to write about. Every emotion that I felt had one common thread, one thing, the only thing that could ever make me write- Passion.

I had abundant opportunities to tell a story that instead of sharing I chose to strangle and push under the carpet.

Why ?

Well, because as I have been told multiple times I am an IDIOT. 

This blog was more than just a blog. It was a promise I made, goals I set, expectations I had from myself. Although I have come a long way since this blog was started, yet, every time I failed to keep those promises, fell short of reaching those goals and meet those obscenely high level of expectations I felt unworthy.

I wanted to write. I wanted it, very badly and so I tried. I tried over and over again and I gave up over and over again. Every time I failed and felt unworthy I marked the occasion by killing a story I could have told.

Now as 2011 inches closer I find myself sitting on a pile of skeletons of stories I killed with what seems like a wasted year, a neglected blog, a confounded mind, two roads diverging in the woods and a scared heart.

P.S: Note to self

Dear scared heart, Please believe. JUST BELIEVE.

Dear Confounded mind, Try harder. You are capable of much more. 'Scared Heart' has a lot of faith in you.