Friday, December 17, 2010

One of those 'Random Confessions'

A little less dramatic, but close enough..

For someone who enjoyed writing, I haven't written anything in over a year. A long dead and neglected blog is a testimony to that.

It's not because of some writer's block that stretched well over a year. It's not because I lack the will. ‘I’ve been busy and occupied’ is the excuse I give but everybody knows it’s just that, an excuse. Yes, I am lazy, but that's not 'the' reason. I haven’t been emotionally dead for so long either. I had plethora of emotions pulling me in every direction.

I have been livid with anger on numerous occasions, so livid that I cried violently every time I tried writing about it and I have been happy too, so happy that if a genie materialised in front of me right then I won't have known what more to ask for.
I did feel loved, so loved that I couldn't think of a more lucky person.
I felt humiliated, depressed, trampled, crushed and hopeless for days at a time. On the other hand there were days I felt happy, elated, ecstatic, obsessive and passionate.
There were days when I loved every living being on the planet and then there were days when I despised mankind altogether.
There were days when I believed with every grain of my being that the world loves me and on other occasions I believed that I make no difference to this world what so ever with the same passion.
There were days when I went out and made friends of strangers and then there were other when I severed all ties with the world.

Evidently there wasn't a dearth of things to write about. Every emotion that I felt had one common thread, one thing, the only thing that could ever make me write- Passion.
I had abundant opportunities to tell a story that instead of sharing I chose to strangle and push under the carpet.

Why ?
Well, because as I have been told multiple times I am an IDIOT. 
This blog was more than just a blog. It was a promise I made, goals I set, expectations I had from myself. Although I have come a long way since this blog was started, yet, every time I failed to keep those promises, fell short of reaching those goals and meet those obscenely high level of expectations I felt unworthy.

I wanted to write. I wanted it, very badly and so I tried. I tried over and over again and I gave up over and over again. Every time I failed and felt unworthy I marked the occasion by killing a story I could have told.

Now as 2011 inches closer I find myself sitting on a pile of skeletons of stories I killed with what seems like a wasted year, a neglected blog, a confounded mind, two roads diverging in the woods and a scared heart.


P.S: Note to self
Dear scared heart, Please believe. JUST BELIEVE.
Dear Confounded mind, Try harder. You are capable of much more. 'Scared Heart' has a lot of faith in you.

7 comments:

Ishita_Dasgupta said...

:-)

You're back. <3

Parag Gupta said...

Well, you are an idiot

Just Me said...

@ Ishita: You bet! :)

@ Parag: Yes, that I am aware of.

nikita said...

u captured your thoughts so beautifully! i feel ALMOST the same ;) ..
good to see you back on track! :)

Pratyush said...

A malnutritioned pen's melancholy moan
Cannot centuries of perdition atone
What way is left to us then?
As Pete said, the way of guitar and pen.

Just Me said...

@ Nikita 'Ji': I wouldn't say i am back on track, yet. But I certainly am back on blogger. Thanks :)


@ PP: And I thought the modern metaphors of poetry were beyond you.

iamnotajackass said...

While reading the post I thought I was listening to myself. I don't know if you feel the same even now but would suggest you to read "Flying Without A Net" by Thomas J. DeLong. May help ambitious person like you.

I remember I was going through something similar couple of years back and in an epiphany, I started a blog(won't name it here though) and I poured my heart, emotions, fears and ambitions in my first post and next few moments were perhaps the most complete moments of my life.

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