My God says,"He is an atheist, who doesn't believe in himself.": March 2008

Scene-II met an old friend after a very long time. After exchanging the regular pleasantries we got down to the ‘real’ conversation.
That’s when she dropped the bomb. “So, who is the guy?”
"Huh?"
"You didn't tell me, come on spill it out bitch."
I was caught off guard. Dude! what is this girl talking about?, I wondered.
"Saali don't give me an attitude, just tell me will you?" she coaxed again.
"Kutti, what the hell should I tell you?" I mumbled, still trying to figure out the context of her queries.
"Uffo, tell me the name of your boyfriend, ulloo ki doom!" she said tightening her grip.

(Before you get all agitated and judgmental let me clarify, 'Saali' 'Kutti' and other such assorted sobriquet are usually reserved for very close friends. Hence the pearls like 'Ullu ki doom'(Owl's tail :-/) actually symbolize our deep friendship and comfort level.)
Now back to the conversation:

"What?" I asked still perplexed.
"Ab Kya kya kar rahi hai? Main kya french bol rahi hoon?"
"Kutti, it'll take you a whole lifetime if not more before you can talk in french and just so it's clear- I don't have a boyfriend."
"What? STILL SINGLE?" her jaw dropped to the ground like a cartoon character.
"You got it right. Now believe it or faint."
If her hopes were made up of glass you could have heard the shattering sound.
"But you are in college!" she muttered dismally.
"And is that a problem?"
"Oh my god D! You are about to get into your second year. I don't see why can't you get into a relationship?" she said, giving me looks usually reserved for animals of endangered species.
"Because unlike you I can't commit to any jackass and then hope to fall in love with him eventually, that's why!"
"Saali stop grinning like an idiot. At least I have a jackass."
"True, and it will take me another 100 years to envy what you've got." I supplied.
"D, why can't you get practical? You are in college for god's sake. Just say yes.. trust me you will eventually start liking the guy.. love just grows."
"I'm sorry, I didn't get the relation between being practical and getting a BF?," I retorted.
"You're such a bitch..", my friend began.
Jesus, not again. I knew where the conversation was ultimately heading. I just grabbed my last chance, "All right, I give up S, its my fault really, I had no clue that getting a BF was prerequisite for getting into a college. But I am ready to make amends, I shall get myself a BF before I buy my course books for my second year, I promise. Now how about a Dark Temptations at Barista?"
"Dude are you a mind-reader?", she did a little jig.

CONCLUSION: Dark Temptations is the ultimate savior and rather tasty too.

Scene-II
The very next day I bumped into another friend who was apparently dying to talk about her BF. It just so happened that she had forcibly forged an introduction between her BF and I the very same week and since then somehow had not got the opportunity to, erm, discuss 'him' with me.

"Hey, you know we celebrated our 2 year 3 months anniversary yesterday?" she said, evidently getting excited.
"Great. Congrats."
"Do you know what he gave me?"
"No, but you are gonna tell me."
"A bouquet of 27 red roses, one for each month we've been together.That's sooo....."
"Innovative?" I supplied.
"No, romantic! Gosh, D, why do you always have to be sarcastic?"
"Sarcastic? Who me? Ya, I know, no, no, I mean , umm, he really loves you," I said, thinking this was a close one.
"You think so? Really? Let me show you his messages," she said, jumping.
She began without any warning, "Wait let me read it out for you."

And this is how the text messages went:
1.' I love you my love '
2.'I may not be perfect, but my love for you is purrrfect!'
3. 'Baby I love you soooo much.. missing you already babes. '
4.'... love..............................................'
5. ... something love something
6. More love thrown in with random articles.

Yawn.. More Yawing.. even more ackward-bored-to-death Yawning

"Hey D, you're not bored are you? Now listen to this one", she quipped.
"N, why are you making me read your personal messages?" I asked, while praying for some mercy.

104. ' Baby I love you three much.. muah , this is for ur cheeks.. muah .. for your nose... muah.. :)'
Yawn, YAWN.. 'suicidal thoughts' while she made sure I read all her hundred or so messages!

124. ' Gud nite my love ...muah..'
125. ' I am missing u.. muah!!'

"Isn't he sweet, D?"
"Well, if he is simply texting all those 'muahs' I think he is rather lazy!"
"What did you say?" she asked, perplexed.
"Nothing of consequence, never mind."
"And did you read the message he sent me on our anniversary?"

There are always first times in life. That day for the first time in my life I really, truly envied the DEAF!

"Ok D, read this one." she said while shoving her phone under my nose. The message read- 'I will Love you forever.. :)'
"Now, tell me what do you think of him and I want you to be brutally honest," she begged.

My prudence and experience warned me, this is a trap. It has to be, whenever people ask you for your 'brutal honest' opinion, they don't really want you to be brutally honest, they just want you to tell them the truth in a sensitive, sugar coated, diplomatic, lying kind of way.

"Your Bf, huh? Dude, the guy is a pain in the backside. How did you bear him for 2 years when I couldn't stand him for two hours! This moron doesn't even have a vocabulary beyond 'I love you'. What do you do when you guys meet- have an 'I love you' saying competition or something? You say you miss him when he is not there, haven't you missed his brain even once in 2 years? This intellectually sterile bimbo is a burden on mother earth. You are bowled because he said he will love you forever. Bleeding Christ, did you even bother asking him what does forever mean to him- 2 years 3 months and 5 days or 3 years? Forever is possibly the most ambiguous word after love because it means different things to different people. It would have been safer had he said he would love you until next year. And as for love, honey we'll talk about it once you figure out how many days makes your Bf's FOREVER."

As much as I was dying to say this, I didn't . Instead I said:

"Oh, your Bf, he's a very nice guy and quite hot. You're a very lucky girl because he really loves you and most importantly you two make a perfect couple. "
(Ah, well what were you thinking?? I am not Harish Chandra or something, besides this is what she wanted to hear and at times I do give surprising people a skip.. so)

"Really? You think so?" she asked, smiling.
"Of course honey, I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't."
"Hey, thanks, btw you know what my BF has really interesting friends."
"I am sure he does."
"No, I mean if you like my BF, you are going to love his friends."

CONCLUSION: Diplomacy and being nice has its own side-effects. :\

P.S: My Peer-Pressure barometer is showing crazy figures.