An Open Letter To Mr. Shahrukh Khan

The picture that inspired this open letter. Follow the link for the original NDTV coverage.

Dear Mr. King Khan,

For years I have tolerated your mediocre acting and monotonous monologues. For years I've watched and supported the 3 hour mind-numbing PR coverage, you call movies.

I have in fact paid for them with the peanuts my parents passed off as pocket money, picking your movies over a steaming hot plate of momos that promised a fixed amount of satisfaction. 

I'll be honest, I find Chetan Bhagat's political articles more engaging than watching you prance around the big screen trying to get your lady love's attention. In fact, your competition Himesh Reshemiya seems like a far better entertainment investment at this point, providing ample opportunities for some wholesome movie-bashing-fun group activity.

Your movies though Mr. Khan, are a different realm of torture altogether. First I'm forced to endure the 3 hour long fiasco only to have your brain-washed-drones for a fan take it upon themselves to inhibit my freedom of expression, should I try to put my two cents of reason in.

As if overacting wasn't enough you have been, among other things, leading a nation full of young, unsuspecting, impressionable minds to believe that it's imperative a person truly in love, must in a moment of desperation or melancholy or both, open his hands wide in a dramatic slow motion as if ready to hug the world. Of course the gesture only holds meaning when done in the middle of the- road, bridge,market, stadium,mountains, and never in the safe and private confines of one's home.

Don't judge this letter to be a rant of a bitter fan, for I do give credit where it's due.

'Chak De! India' was a pleasant surprise and I must admit for a moment you had me fooled. I was sure you'd turned a new leaf. I came this close to hitting the like button on your Facebook page.

Then again, you're not the one to take a win and go home. No Sir, you refuse to rest on your laurels. You had to immediately go and make 'Om Shanti Om' and 'Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi' to set your image straight, lest some of us mistake you for an intelligent actor. Of course you wouldn't be 'King Khan', if you just stopped there, so what do you do? You add more gems like 'Ra. One', 'Jab Tak Hai Jaan', and 'Chennai Express', one after another to your already distinguished creative portfolio.

Don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for a good underdog story as much as the next person.
Although, in this particular case I have drained all the sympathy a humble beginning, no godparents in Bollywood, few admirable box office hits, DDLJ and two dead parents would inspire and now I'm all out.

I'm sorry that you hit your mid-life crisis right when I ran out of my sympathies for you.

Why else with industry's best fashion consultants at your disposal would you choose to dress like a teenage hipster with sagging pants at an IPL match? Do you realise it makes you look like a road side romeo and not exactly the 'badshah' of the Bollywood?

I understand of course that our fashion-centric Bollywood can be quite demanding. The ever changing fashion trends can be very confounding, but when was having your underwear join in the collective cheer considered fashionable, even for teenagers, let alone a 48 year old grown up man?

Mid life crisis can be hard Mr. Khan, but yours seem to have a simple solution. It's called a belt.

I'd go into the deep V neck blouses you pick to show off your painstakingly waxed chest, but I'll save that for another day.

If at all your underwear-showing-pant-slipping dress choice at a public event like an IPL was because you were trying your hands at method acting and were simply attempting to crawl into the skin of a character for a future movie, I apologise profusely Sir. 

Misunderstandings happen.

I'd wish you G'luck, but you've already come so far with your mediocre talent and sheer dumb luck, I'm sure you'll be just fine.

Sincerely

Need I say more?